Archive for November, 2012

confessions of a lagos call girl



Four years ago, I was an undergraduate like most of these hot bloods around, young, fresh, having the best. living life to the full, clothes, shoes, make-up, hair, I had everything any girl my age would have ever wanted!.. And by any girl, I speak in particular reference to my roommate , Tosin. Tosin was an average girl from an average family, She had nothing to worry about but she made me her center cause of worry!. She just needed to have everything I had. Ha! I remember when I got my tattoo, she did everything in her might to get herself one too!!. Luckily for her, she got a temporary tattoo, because I heard her mother beat her to a pulp when she saw it.

Tosin!!. She made my last year in school fun. Always hounding me!. “Where did you buy that bag?, How much are the shoes?”. Tosin’s unfortunate boyfriend (now her husband!) She pressured the guy so much, I’m sure he started getting grey hairs!. “Look Caroline’s boyfriend bought her a Bold 2”, “We are still jumping cab when Caro’s boyfriend gave her his Camry!’ She would nag and nag!. I wish she knew I had more than one boyfriend giving me things. Then, all my roommates thought Alaska (if you still don’t know who Alaka is, you’re on a long thing o! My manager!!) was my boyfriend.


Anyway, three years went by like seconds, I graduated with a ‘pass’ (those bloody lecturers!) and Tosin graduated with a 2.1. We parted ways and I had never seen her again, till I saw her last Monday. Saw her in boutique. We exchanged pleasantries, normal stuff, but I could see her sizing me up, like she used to do back then in school; checking my jewellery, checking my dress, totally checking me out. I’m sure she delayed just so she could see my car!, Typical of Tosin!. Finally, before I left she said “Girl, you’re enjoying oh!, look at all you have accomplished by yourself! Miss Independent!!’


What more does she want?. She’s married to her University lover boy, who obviously loved her then and definitely still loves her now to have married her!, she’s pregnant for him, lives a steady life, has a steady job, What more does she want??.. A flashy car?, extravagant jewellery?, A fat bank account?.. Does she know that it comes with An insecure life?, A demeaning job, health problems, commitment issues? Family issues?.. The list is endless!! If she wants my life, she can have it!!


This write-up is not a personal experience of the writer Mae Gregory. It is only a modified version of  true life experiences and thoughts as narrated to the writer by a close acquintance. Names have been changed for anonymity.

Now thats out of the way, Feel free to  check in on fridays for more ‘Confessions of A Lagos Call Girl’ .If this is your first time, you may want to check previous posts in this category. Remember to like and/or comment in the box below!


I just read a post from  ShockzWorld titled “The Days” and it brought back memories of TV back then. What I watched till my the NTA network news started. Not really so far back, but I terribly miss those 90s cartoons that are now extinct!!. Compared to all new cartoons, animations rather, (people are getting too lazy to draw!!. I miss those days when Mickey Mouse was still in drawing not that animated guy!), the old cartoons had been and would always be the best!. So in no particular order, I’m listing my favorite old cartoons.





5:MICKEY MOUSE (The vintage one oh!)Image








Let it be written that if you’ve not watched any of the above cartoons , you either had a very terrible childhood (I’m sorry for your loss), or you are too young to be on the internet!

Thats most of what I can remember, excluding the ones they still show on Boomerang like Johnny Bravo, Adams family, Scooby doo, Flingstones and a few others that I’m priviledged to watch. Otherwise, I’m stuck with Ben 10 omniverse and Kickbuttowski!.. Do you know any others that I skipped?? Image

The sound of the bata drums filled my ears

            As I moved my shoulders back and forth to the rhythm           

Each beat was the start of an energetic motion

Swift movement,  swirl of hips and upper body.

Vigorous as I jerked my shoulders,

Almost getting to a squat

Jerking my shoulders

And holding on to my Aso-Oke.

The crowd was relentless.

 ‘More!’ they screamed. ‘Give us more!!’

The first dancers had stopped to cheer me.

I could see they could now hear.

But it was not always so

They had not always accepted me.

The on-lookers were mesmerised.

My dance was unusual.

I did not go with the beat

Nothing like the ballerinas,

Neither was it a pantomime.

To them, I had lost my sanity.

Yes. I lost my sanity to the beat

The beat led me, it guided me

But they didn’t accept it.

Some called it ‘Some sort of African ritual’

The rest chose to tag me ‘mentally unstable’!

But I could hear it

“The distant beat of my father’s talking drum”

They could not hear it

-“The only way out is the way through”

I could not stop dancing

Even if my dance was different.

They needed to hear my beat

And they would dance with me.

It was not easy

Convincing the crowd, sidelining the stereotype

Sweat, pain, tension,

But then they began to hear it,

The distant beat.

The show had reached its peak,

The crowd did not hold back their joy

And applause was palpable.

But then it started to rain,

A heavy downpour.

And sometimes the thunder and lightening

Drowned the sound of the distant beat.

Ant the wind tried to blow me off my feet.

Then I heard it once more..

It was faint,

But the more I danced the more it got louder

The crowed was dismayed by my relentless effort

The high and low were there to watch

Children, men and women

They honoured me, my dance and my distant beat

Then the rain stopped

And I could see the halo

My dance was over

I moved my back in union with the last rhythm

I did not hear it anymore

I could dance no more.

But I was fulfilled

I had danced the dance I was meant to dance

My dance will not be forgotten

And someone else will follow the distant beat

Because I had followed my beat till the end

But now, after everyhting

It was time to meet with the lord of the dance.


No! I’m not dying. I just wanted to write a memoir of my life, see how it pans out and understand how I see my life and life in full spectrum. Thanks for reading.



Tales of a Customer

Shit happens all the time right?!

Funny Face

A few months ago, I rushed out of the house to get some things from the supermarket nearby. Prior to this day, my sister had told me how randy the sales guys were, so when I went in my guard was up!. I put on my headsets and put on a stern face. After all, I went to the counter and then the guy at the counter was smiling and pointing at my crotch!!! Without thinking twice, I slapped him!! Well, it turned out that my fly was open and he wa just trying to inform me!. LOL! We are great friends now!!

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A few days ago was Thanksgiving day in the United States.I”m aware this is a celebration of life, family, lasting relationships and what you’re grateful/thankful f or. It is wonderful to look back over the year, clear your mind off the worries, stress, disappointments and setbacks, and just be happy and thankful for the good things and people in your life.

Sadly, this holiday is not acknowledged over here in Nigeria but I’m really excited that I have the opportunity to express what I’m being thankful for here!.

This year, I’m extremely thankful for my three (3) year old neices Oseimuohan and Oseiwe. In my sadest moments, their smiles and laughter have been my consolation,long hours of  babysiting them has given me enough time to duly reflect on my life and be better and all the injuries and sicknesses didnt break them, there are still very healthy. So there goes, I’m truly thankful for their lives.

My nieces

P.S; I just had a slice of turkey with them! 😀




‘Once upon a magical time, two beautiful princesses in ball gowns and tiaras and a fair babysitter gathered around to have an enchanted day…………’


This is not a story though, I was terribly bored while babysitting, so I and the girls decided to play dress up! 😀 GAGNUM STYLE!!     


Take a look! ImageImageImageImage 


And after all the playing and picture taking, they declared that fairytales do come true!!


P.S They love their babysitter… ME!



The lights are blurred…or maybe my vision is…

I took another hit. Dragged it in till I felt the heat.

Life’s good!.

I smiled, Chuckled, giggled then broke into an uncontrollable laughter.

Fuck the world!. Fuck love!!.

Life’s good!!

(black out)

I stared at John Jerry. He smiles. ‘Baby are you okay?’. I know what he wants!.

Maybe I should fuck him so he can stop all the pretence. My boyfriend’s brother! Won’t that be funny?

I laughed again.

I took the last cup of cocktail, I lost count of how many I had. 12? 10?.

My fingers are numb. The glass cup slides easily and shatters on the ground.

My friends are laughing and teasing. ‘Mehn Mary is so knocked up I swear!’

I laugh with them. A little louder than them though. I love these crazy mofos!

(black out)

I should pee. I want to pee.

I stand and stagger to the toilet. Stumbling on the empty bottles of Vodka and Jack Daniels.

The toilet is exceptionally bright. Too bright! I can even see the toilet seat!.

(black out)

I sit on the floor. Its cold!. Cold and comfortable! In a funny way!.

Damn!. I fumble with the lighter and the 5th wrap of cannabis.

Suck on it. Draw it in deeply, Let it socialize with my lungs, play around in my chest, evaporate the emotions. It escaped through my ears and nostrils.

(black out)

My boyfriend walks in. He tries to get me up. Why?. He suddenly cares again?. Or does he want to beat me up again?.

I tell him to fuck off!!. He’s pissed. We start arguing.

(black out)

I kiss him. Awwwwwnnnn, he so cute. He doesn’t kiss me back. I touch his face, he pulls my hands off.

Oh! What the hell!!

That’s my jam!. I jump up and dance rhythmlessly to Timaya’s Shake Your Bum Bum.

(black out)

I feel worn out and retire to Benson and Hedges. This joint is weak. A few sticks before I feel it.

(black out)

Tonight is on!. In the words of Drake ‘Its my birthday, I’ll get high if I want to!!’…. Only that its not my birthday. Who cares?.

A couple more flirty dances with strangers

(black out)

We need to go. I get into his car. I can see he’s angry.

(black out)

I don’t want to take a shower. He’s forcing me!. No!. He hits me!. I felt that!. I’m crying! But I can’t move!!.

(black out)

I reach for my phone, 8:05am. I feel bruised. He is laying beside me, holding me. I know he did it again!.

(black out)

My alarm clock kept blaring in my ears pushing me to wake up from my dream were I was winning that plane From MTN WIN AN AEROPLANE PROMO!. I didn’t want to, but this stupid alarm clock was drilling a hole through my brain!. Two days till the weekend and I didn’t feel like going to work!. I sighed and stretched my legs lazily under the covers.
I angrily got out of bed and put off the annoying clock. Muttered some curses to Nepa when my leg hit the table. My back was soaked with sweat! No light all through the night! Na wa o!.
Hissing audibly, I knelt down and offered some prayers to God. Then brought out my work clothes, at least I still had some ironed shirts to wear. It was very bright outside so I checked my clock 06:10, I still had time. I strolled out of my one room apartment to get water from the big basin outside, the tap was not flowing because there was no light.
I was so angry when I realized there was no water there!. I’m sure those riff raffs (my landlord’s children) must have used up all the water. I walked back into my house, got a big jerrycan and carried my phone. You wouldn’t believe! The time on my phone was actually 07:15!!!! The devil is truly horrible!! My alarm was late again!! Blood of Jesus!! I rushed out of my house and ran quickly to the community tap.
Just as I was dragging my 50 litres back home, I couldn’t help but notice a small girl wailing as a fat woman; perhaps her guardian, kept on flogging her energetically with a bunch of broom!. Seeing the situation, I took pity on the poor girl.
‘Madam its okay now! What ever she has done please forgive her!’ I pleaded. I don’t know who sent me because immediately I said those words, the woman stopped and gave me a whole year’s supply of insults right on the spot! I was too stunned to remember the rest, but I recall her saying ‘Ahh amebo oshi!!..Olori buruku!…Abi is your papa that give her belle?!’ With that, I put my can on my head and ran as fast as I could, from this obviously demented woman!!.
I was ready for work, locked up and was on my way when the rumbling in my tummy reminded me that I had not eaten since yesterday morning (akara and ogi). I ignored it and joined the endless BRT queue.
I realised that ignoring my hunger was a bad idea,so i excused myself and decided to feast the worms in my stomach to a hot plate of ‘agidi’ beans. The smell of accumulated sweat, stale urine, smoke from exhaust pipes, a cigarette, the noise; chattering of fellow commuters, car horns, a baby crying, the tension of my boss’ call all somehow got mixed up with the beans in my stomach and the previous day’s akara and there I felt the first pangs of stomach purge!. (Oh God!)
The bus ride wasn’t enjoyable!.I was sweating profusely! Maybe it was because of the hot purge boiling in my stomach or the hot chick sitting beside me! Someminutes later I rushed down to get a bike. I didn’t even price with the okada man! I just climbed and told the guy ‘Full speed abeg!’ That was another bad idea! Trust all these hausa bike riders! Drifting and swerving like the cars in NFS Ps3! Next thing I heard was SPLASH!. In an attempt to overtake a car, the guy drove right through a muddle!. I couldn’t complain about the muddy brown polka dots on my blue tshirt!.
I stumbled into my office, dirty,sweaty, sticky, sunburned, disheveled and looking confused. I bowed my head low as my oga reprimanded me for my late coming. Suddenly, just as he was about to sentence me to extra working hours, I felt the cringe!, A slow, painful, hot surge of excreta . I swear I couldn’t hear anything else as I Dashed for the staff toilet almost pushing my oga down!.
All I can say as I walked shamefully out of the toilet is that I gave the toilet a smelly, noisy and shitty make over!.


Shoprite Blues…………

Please ignore the title! I didn’t know what to call it!.. Happy reading though!

I resumed work late again today, I hurriedly went to my counter trying to straighten out my white shirt and red jacket, thanks to my dumb boyfriend, Ayo, I didn’t have the time to iron my uniform! We were always fighting! (Ode ni), today he asked me to borrow him #2000 Kini? Do I look like a mobile atm machine?! The last #5000 he borrowed from me still remains unpaid!!. Mttssscchhhew! Jobless thing!. Anyway, I wouldn’t let thoughts of Ayo disturb me this beautiful morning!. *rme*

‘Thank you dearie… This is the last time, I promise’ I said to Kelly, she didn’t even smile back!..I’m sure she was angry because for 4 days now I’ve been making her over stay her afternoon shift!. I could see Manager already looking at me with scorn. Surely he’ll take this one out of my salary. This man sef will just be forming iron man!!. Sighing, I got settled in, carrying out my daily cliché and boring job of cashing in items for customers and having to smile when I didn’t want to, Dealing with unbearably disgruntled customers patiently and politely. It was boring and most times annoying, Lord knows I hated it!, but working as a cashier in Shoprite put food on my table, so I was grateful.
I started thinking as I worked, trying to get my mind away from here, Papa and Mama in the village, my long over due house rent, the money I was owing Sikirat!,… Just then, I saw him far back of the line, sub consciously nodding his head to the music from his earpiece connected to his i phone, he wore a white TM lewin shirt and brown khaki shorts, light-skinned just as I liked!. His eyes were completely hazel brown, with Uti Nwachukwu’s body structure, the kind of man every girl wished!..

He came up to the counter and said ‘Hi!’ revealing his perfectly white teeth. After I bagged his items, he said
‘Pretty girl like you shouldn’t be working here!.What’s the name?…I’m Ken’
(Blush) ‘I’m Moji’ I replied shyly.
‘You are really nice..And I like the way you go about your duties..’ ( Pause)
‘I know this ,į̸s awkward but please give me your digits, I’d like to call you some time’ Playing hard to get was no use! I was obviously drooling over this guy!! I gave him my number sharply. After work he called me and practically begged to pick me up. I said ‘no problem’. He came by and picked me up with his Chrysler jeep. The aura in the car was just perfect. I could perceive the nice smell of his Clive Christian perfume, everything about this guy was just perfect!!. We talked on the way home, he’s a doctor and stays in royal estate, Surulere, no ex wife, no girlfriends, no children out of wedlock!. I told him all about myself using the most polished english words I could think of.
‘I really like you Moji, You have a very pretty smile’ he said as we got to the front of my house gate. I blushed uncontrollably.
‘Thank you, Ken’ I said with a coy smile.
‘Please can we see again tomorrow?, I’d love to take you for breakfast, lunch or dinner…your pick!’
(Oh God!) ‘I’ll be on afternoon shift tomorrow, maybe we could meet for dinner?’ I said. He smiled with his thin lips
‘I hope your boyfriend wouldn’t mind’ he said pointing at Ayo who was standing in front of the car hands akimbo waiting for me.
Ye! This Oloshi boy wants to spoil my parole!
‘That’s my cousin, Ayo’ I denied immediately. He kissed me on the fore head and bid me goodbye. I got down and went inside, broke up with Ayo that night and told him to leave my flat. The next day of course, Dr Ken promptly picked me up by 7pm, he gave me a gold necklace, said he saw the necklace in a jewellery store and it reminded him of me ♥_♥ (24 karat sha!) I was so excited!!, We ate Mr Chan’s Chinese Cuisine that night!. That’s where our love story began.

We were so in love; he was always spoiling me with expensive gifts; loubitin shoes, versace dresses, bvlgari perfumes, took me shopping in Dubai,I even quit my job and he opened a shopping mall for me, we named it ‘Ken And Moji’ he built a house in the village for papa and mama, I moved in with him sef! Not the Surulere house though, we moved to Magodo. Soon enough, we were planning our wedding, number of kids we’d have. I was so overwhelmed with the way my fortune had become so good, everything was perfect! My bread had finally been buttered!! He kept on buying me loads and loads of extravagant gifts. The night after he got me a brand new hyuandi Sedan Elentra, he hugged me so tight, kissed me deeply, looked into my eyes and said
‘Baby, Baby,……… Please give me my change!’ (ò.̯Ó)

HUH!!!??? I jolted back to reality to see him “Dr Ken” in front of me in his white shirt.. ‘Can I have my change?’ He said again. He was still in front of me with his bags of groceries.
I held my head and looked at the long queue waiting for me!.. JISOX! Oh My God!! I was day-dreaming again!!! (⌣́_⌣̀)

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The Interrogation……

I looked sternly into her eyes, She narrowed her eyes and shot me an equally stern look. I could see she was not ready to give up. ‘Answer me!’ I yelled shaking her as if I wanted the answer to fall out of her shoulders!. She shrugged as if my banter had no effect on her. I looked from side to side, exasperated!! This interrogation had gotten way out of my control!!. Maybe it was time to use more violent means. Maybe. I grabbed her by the elbow and made her sit on the chair, then I held her hands. ‘Don’t play with me, young lady!!. I want the truth and I want it fast!! Now speak!!’. I could hear the echo of my own voice in my head, the force I used to shout was now causing me a terrible headache. This had been the most cumbersome job in all my years. She laughed sarcastically as if sensing my frustration!. Yes! I was totally frustrated and at the point of giving up!. But no!!. I won’t let her win and keep the information!. Now is time for violent means, I thought. I looked at her, she closed her mouth as if to say that she wasnt going to tell me. I shook my head, ‘You leave me no choice!’ I said, rushed in and brought out the hostage. I could see, she thought it was bluff, a coy smile was dancing around her lips. I said ‘You remember Mcstuffins?,’ Pulling up the head of the hostage so she could see.’ She going to pay for this!. Are ready to talk now?’ She folded her arms carelessly. I laughed now. With one fast movement, I took Mcstuffins’ arm up twisted it and broke it!!. Her eyes widened!! Oh, that got to her. ‘Talk!’ I urged her as I held up the other hand ready break it, Her strong face had now softened to a pitiable surrender, but she was still not talking!. Hastily, I yanked, twisted and pulled at the other hand till, I was sure it was broken!. ‘Are you going to tell me now?’ I sensed a little resistance but I could also sense her fear, but she still was not talking!!. ‘We end this now!!’ I yelled, grabbing the hostage’s neck, ready to finish this up with one fast twist!.
‘No!!’ She said finally, ‘Please don’t!. I will tell you! But you have to meet my demands first, I’m sure you know of the usual settlement’.
‘Yes, I’m aware.’ Reach for a bag and toss it at her. ‘Now tell me! This information is really important to me!!. Who put relaxer in my ice cream cup and replaced it in the fridge?!’
‘It was not me, It was the maid that did it!’ Came the reply from Joan my 5 year old niece. I sighed!. Imagine the nonsense!! It was not even her! Twenty wasted minutes of my life!! Matilda will hear from me!. Well, I sat down on the chair and watched as Joan struggled with her settlement, a bag containing, Ribena, 2 packets of m&m and a carton of Dr Jacobs Crackers. I sighed as I fixed the broken parts of the ‘hostage’ back together, Mcstuffins, her rubber doll.. Well, That’s just another babysitting activity!.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it?. Please Use the comment box below.

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