My alarm clock kept blaring in my ears pushing me to wake up from my dream were I was winning that plane From MTN WIN AN AEROPLANE PROMO!. I didn’t want to, but this stupid alarm clock was drilling a hole through my brain!. Two days till the weekend and I didn’t feel like going to work!. I sighed and stretched my legs lazily under the covers.
I angrily got out of bed and put off the annoying clock. Muttered some curses to Nepa when my leg hit the table. My back was soaked with sweat! No light all through the night! Na wa o!.
Hissing audibly, I knelt down and offered some prayers to God. Then brought out my work clothes, at least I still had some ironed shirts to wear. It was very bright outside so I checked my clock 06:10, I still had time. I strolled out of my one room apartment to get water from the big basin outside, the tap was not flowing because there was no light.
I was so angry when I realized there was no water there!. I’m sure those riff raffs (my landlord’s children) must have used up all the water. I walked back into my house, got a big jerrycan and carried my phone. You wouldn’t believe! The time on my phone was actually 07:15!!!! The devil is truly horrible!! My alarm was late again!! Blood of Jesus!! I rushed out of my house and ran quickly to the community tap.
Just as I was dragging my 50 litres back home, I couldn’t help but notice a small girl wailing as a fat woman; perhaps her guardian, kept on flogging her energetically with a bunch of broom!. Seeing the situation, I took pity on the poor girl.
‘Madam its okay now! What ever she has done please forgive her!’ I pleaded. I don’t know who sent me because immediately I said those words, the woman stopped and gave me a whole year’s supply of insults right on the spot! I was too stunned to remember the rest, but I recall her saying ‘Ahh amebo oshi!!..Olori buruku!…Abi is your papa that give her belle?!’ With that, I put my can on my head and ran as fast as I could, from this obviously demented woman!!.
I was ready for work, locked up and was on my way when the rumbling in my tummy reminded me that I had not eaten since yesterday morning (akara and ogi). I ignored it and joined the endless BRT queue.
I realised that ignoring my hunger was a bad idea,so i excused myself and decided to feast the worms in my stomach to a hot plate of ‘agidi’ beans. The smell of accumulated sweat, stale urine, smoke from exhaust pipes, a cigarette, the noise; chattering of fellow commuters, car horns, a baby crying, the tension of my boss’ call all somehow got mixed up with the beans in my stomach and the previous day’s akara and there I felt the first pangs of stomach purge!. (Oh God!)
The bus ride wasn’t enjoyable!.I was sweating profusely! Maybe it was because of the hot purge boiling in my stomach or the hot chick sitting beside me! Someminutes later I rushed down to get a bike. I didn’t even price with the okada man! I just climbed and told the guy ‘Full speed abeg!’ That was another bad idea! Trust all these hausa bike riders! Drifting and swerving like the cars in NFS Ps3! Next thing I heard was SPLASH!. In an attempt to overtake a car, the guy drove right through a muddle!. I couldn’t complain about the muddy brown polka dots on my blue tshirt!.
I stumbled into my office, dirty,sweaty, sticky, sunburned, disheveled and looking confused. I bowed my head low as my oga reprimanded me for my late coming. Suddenly, just as he was about to sentence me to extra working hours, I felt the cringe!, A slow, painful, hot surge of excreta . I swear I couldn’t hear anything else as I Dashed for the staff toilet almost pushing my oga down!.
All I can say as I walked shamefully out of the toilet is that I gave the toilet a smelly, noisy and shitty make over!.