Tag Archive: Funny

My alarm clock kept blaring in my ears pushing me to wake up from my dream were I was winning that plane From MTN WIN AN AEROPLANE PROMO!. I didn’t want to, but this stupid alarm clock was drilling a hole through my brain!. Two days till the weekend and I didn’t feel like going to work!. I sighed and stretched my legs lazily under the covers.
I angrily got out of bed and put off the annoying clock. Muttered some curses to Nepa when my leg hit the table. My back was soaked with sweat! No light all through the night! Na wa o!.
Hissing audibly, I knelt down and offered some prayers to God. Then brought out my work clothes, at least I still had some ironed shirts to wear. It was very bright outside so I checked my clock 06:10, I still had time. I strolled out of my one room apartment to get water from the big basin outside, the tap was not flowing because there was no light.
I was so angry when I realized there was no water there!. I’m sure those riff raffs (my landlord’s children) must have used up all the water. I walked back into my house, got a big jerrycan and carried my phone. You wouldn’t believe! The time on my phone was actually 07:15!!!! The devil is truly horrible!! My alarm was late again!! Blood of Jesus!! I rushed out of my house and ran quickly to the community tap.
Just as I was dragging my 50 litres back home, I couldn’t help but notice a small girl wailing as a fat woman; perhaps her guardian, kept on flogging her energetically with a bunch of broom!. Seeing the situation, I took pity on the poor girl.
‘Madam its okay now! What ever she has done please forgive her!’ I pleaded. I don’t know who sent me because immediately I said those words, the woman stopped and gave me a whole year’s supply of insults right on the spot! I was too stunned to remember the rest, but I recall her saying ‘Ahh amebo oshi!!..Olori buruku!…Abi is your papa that give her belle?!’ With that, I put my can on my head and ran as fast as I could, from this obviously demented woman!!.
I was ready for work, locked up and was on my way when the rumbling in my tummy reminded me that I had not eaten since yesterday morning (akara and ogi). I ignored it and joined the endless BRT queue.
I realised that ignoring my hunger was a bad idea,so i excused myself and decided to feast the worms in my stomach to a hot plate of ‘agidi’ beans. The smell of accumulated sweat, stale urine, smoke from exhaust pipes, a cigarette, the noise; chattering of fellow commuters, car horns, a baby crying, the tension of my boss’ call all somehow got mixed up with the beans in my stomach and the previous day’s akara and there I felt the first pangs of stomach purge!. (Oh God!)
The bus ride wasn’t enjoyable!.I was sweating profusely! Maybe it was because of the hot purge boiling in my stomach or the hot chick sitting beside me! Someminutes later I rushed down to get a bike. I didn’t even price with the okada man! I just climbed and told the guy ‘Full speed abeg!’ That was another bad idea! Trust all these hausa bike riders! Drifting and swerving like the cars in NFS Ps3! Next thing I heard was SPLASH!. In an attempt to overtake a car, the guy drove right through a muddle!. I couldn’t complain about the muddy brown polka dots on my blue tshirt!.
I stumbled into my office, dirty,sweaty, sticky, sunburned, disheveled and looking confused. I bowed my head low as my oga reprimanded me for my late coming. Suddenly, just as he was about to sentence me to extra working hours, I felt the cringe!, A slow, painful, hot surge of excreta . I swear I couldn’t hear anything else as I Dashed for the staff toilet almost pushing my oga down!.
All I can say as I walked shamefully out of the toilet is that I gave the toilet a smelly, noisy and shitty make over!.



*wipes seat*
*sits down*
Hey there!! :D. How’s it going?!..Well, today has been a very interesting day! But not as interesting as yesterday!. Yesterday, was my little nephew’s birthday! Hurray!!! As exciting as that sounds, I was struggling hard to escape form home just to avoid all the chores of cooking, arranging and the sort. But unfortunately, everytime I tried to get out, there was always a excuse for me to remain! One by one I watched and received about 15 visitors, (not visitors, actually my annoying relatives! Yes! The kind that like to stalk all your activities on facebook, ask you if you now have a boyfriend!, say how big your boobs have grown!!!!) Anyway, there was laughter, food and drinks everyone was having a good time! So I decided this was the perfect time to escape and go out! I got dressed, called my cab guy and started moving stealthily towards the door. “Oseahumen!!!”.
Fuckery!!! Momsy caught me!!
“Are you going some where?” She asked! Well, I’m not really a fast liar, so I took some time before I replied!
‘Yes, mom!, Uhhhhmm Joy isn’t feeling well, I just want to go and see her, I’d be back soon!’ (Joy, I’m so sorry for lying with ur name :*)
“Okay, hurry, you have to come back and clean up!” She finally let me go!!.. I ran like I was just released from jail! Jumped into the taxi, straight to my ‘other friend’s house’, not Joy’s ofcourse!!!
As expected, I returned back home late, stopped on the way to buy my favourite dinner, Suya and Hollandia. It was past 10 and I was sure that when I got home, everyone would have gone but to my utmost surprise, my pesky cousins were still around!! I could hear their voices from outside!!! Kill Joy!!!. As I was constructing my lie for why I came home late, I was also looking for a perfect getaway for me and my suya! (P.S I’m not one to share my food with anybody!!!). So I walked in, gate was open, as I saw momsy, I quickly rolled up my suya and tucked it into my bag!. I greeted momsy, and narrated my cooked story to her. She seemed to buy it. Then she almost blew my cover!
‘I can perceive suya! Did you buy?!’ I could see the greedy eyes of cousins already anticipated my ‘yes’ so they can feast on my suya!!
“No!” I denied. “Its smoke from outside” I said quickly and rushed up the stairs! I could hear my cousin asking me something!. I ran in and shut the door!! When I heard her come close to my room, I turned off the lights and pretended to sleep. She came in and saw the whole place was dark and quiet and after a few miniutes, she left! Phew!! That was close!!! I brought out the suya and hollandia with a smile of victory. Scared to turn on the lights because of these suya thieves, I ate in darkness. The suya tasted funny but I didn’t bother. Chewed it silently, drank up, washed my hands and called it a great day!!
Apparently, Karma ,į̸s really a wicked bitch!! I woke up by 5am today with a terrible tummy ache. As it turns out, I ate spoilt or rotten suya!! 😐 I had to narrate my story to my momsy, She’s been laughing at me as I’ve been rushing in and out of the toilet all day!! Yes, Feel free to laugh at me too!! 😦
*flushes toilet*

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tyres ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Atitude ~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
*Women ~ Pantieless
Everything is becoming LESS but
still our hopes are ~ Endless.
Infact am ~ Speechless.

No, No, I’m not delusional or hearing strange voices in my head!.. I’m actually in the toilet! :D. Time in the toilet ,į̸s a very special and quiet time for me to personally go through all the day’s activities, to tweet or ping most times while doing my ‘business’ (Don’t Ask!)… Anyway, doing my ‘thing’ while listening to music, Chris Brown’s Don’t Wake Me Up starts playing and then I remember what happened today. You wouldn’t believe!!. I went to the pharmacy to buy Panadol extra for my headache. As I was checking through the shelves, I over heard Mrs Okeke (Our loud mouthed neighbour. P.S We don’t like her! Typical estate gossip!!). She was talking about her house girl Ekaette and something about pregnancy!. Ahhh! Gist!! Me Likey!! 😉 I quickly grabbed the nearest drug to pretend like I was checking it out meanwhile I was seriously listening to her (Don’t judge me o!, Who doesn’t like a amebo!?!). Apparently, Ekaette recently started having dreams where she would meet a handsome guy and he would make love to her in her dreams!. At first it started out as ordinarily kissing the man in her dreams, then it proceeded to full time sex!. And Ekaette confessed that sometimes after the sex with the ‘Dream Man’ she would wake up and see semen on her panties!! (O.O). Shocking!!. Finally, few days ago she opened up to her madam, Mrs Okeke that she ,į̸s pregnant!! Although, she has never physically had sexual intercourse with anybody.. Well, spiritual sexual intercourse with the ‘Dream Man’!! (OMG!!). Mrs Okeke said that she had just dropped Ekaette off in the church to sleep there for her healing!! (*smh*). I was still listening to the gist when my dad came into the pharmacy, I smiled at him and he was coming close when I noticed that his smile had dropped when he looked at my hand! Oh God!! I didn’t realize that I was holding a packet of postinor contraceptives!!! 😐 Anyway, I had a rather enlightening day but with lots of explanation to give to my dad! (*sigh*) But who knew that a spirit husband could impregnate a person!!! Wow!!! So maybe next time before you recite that ‘Dearly beloved…..’ part of Chris Brown’s song, you might want to change it to ‘Dearly beloved, if this love only exists in my dreams, Please WAKE ME UP!!!!’.. Don’t be a learner!!.. Anyway, till next time..I’d be here to give you the most incredulous fictitious stories ever!!!
*flushes toilet*
See ya real soon!!! 😉

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