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A WHOLE ME!!!!!!!

I had to start the new year with a new year post!!! Its the first day of the first month of a new year, what kind of blogger would I be if I don’t wish my family over here in blogsville a happy new year?!.. So I have to do this quickly so I can go back to the healthy piece of chicken drum I was feasting on! Happy new year mi hearties!! lol

I’m glad we made it mehn!! If you’ve ever seen the movie ‘2012’ you would know that we are real survivors!. I’m just writting as it comes so please pardon any form of senselessness and digression. The title of this post may somewhat be misleading, it  popped into my head while I was trying to deeply meditate on the befiting title to give to this collection of mumbo jumbo, when Mother dearest with all her love called me to wash dinner plates!! what!! WHAT!!! I was furious!! ‘A WHOLE ME!!!’ What a condescending chore! Imagine o!. When I just got my nails done and well coated with glossy pepper red!! Haba!! That reminds me, while at the salon yesterday, I had a whole ‘keeping up with the Kardasians’ Therapy session in my head, and I concluded that Kim is just a jealous b*%@#! The only reason she married Kris Humphries, was because Khloe got married to her incredible hunk of a man, but things couldn’t work out because the Kim-Kris love was a fake publicity stunt!! And no, just because Kourtney has 2 kids, Kim’s decided to get a baby with Kanye!!!, Ha!! Yea I feel like a detective right now!!😀. Anyway, as I was rambling, this post is not about my halfness or wholeness (P:S I’m whole!) But its my blog and I name it whatever I desire! :p

I hope everyone had a good New Year Day, I had fun, I ate so much, my stomach began to sweat!! (No jokes!!). Come to think of it, I’m actually getting fatter by the day!fatNoooo!! Not this fat!! God Forbid!This one ate a whole Chinese village!! Let’s change the topic,my appetitte has been ruined. Lets get down to the moral lesson of this post. Truth is, I’m really tired of new year resolutions!  Last year, I made a lot of resolutions among which was to stop saying things I don’t mean, Oh lord, if I had a naira for every time I told some shrek-like human ‘cute avi’, I might have bought that new ipone 5!.. Anyhoo, lets leave bygones, so I solemnly swore; after I realised that I did the exact opposite of all the resolutions I made, that I’d stop making resolutions. 2012 really went awry. I was involved in alot of dastardly acts and I’m sure I did somethings that are probably illegal in some countries. But all in all (As this is not a reminiscent post), I learnt a lot as you can see in

NINE LESSONS, NO CAROL.

This post is my list of NEW YEAR NOT TO DO!  Yes hunnay you read right.. I’m going straight to the point.

* Dont do NOTHING! jj

Yea..its sounds stupid, but this not to do is quite important. People just like to lay fallow and not do anything. Maybe a minor setback in life, waiting for WAEC result, waiting for NYSC, once there is a little free time, dont be like the Rich fool in the bible,be productive, start something, sing something, dance something, write something, DO something! Nothing is ever a waste!! Entrepreneurship is trending at the moment, take charge and achieve something!!.

* Dont sit on your ass all day!. Apart from the inspirational aspect of this point, it is also not fitness and medically wise to actually sit on your ass all day!. Not BlackAssonly will you be at risk of obesity, but you are going to have really black ass! (medically proven!!)

*Dont forget your OFF line friends.

While you’re so busy setting and pressing p, and meeting frozen Keeds abi cool kids, dont forget your real friend, your padi padi!. That your friend that your borrowed her bumshorts to go for twitter party or that your guy that you used his iphone to snap mirror pishur…Dont forget them o! Keep your friends close, good friends o, not the one that will go and cook ewedu soup for your boyfriend when you’re not around!!

*Dont NOT buy new pants…Buy pants! Its healthy, its nutritio-sorry, its important!pants

*DONT dav

NUFF SAID!!!

*Dont wear a striped shirt on a pair of stripped trousers.

*Dont take a guy who only smiles at you when he sees your posterior serious!

*Dont judge a book by its cover, judge it by the price tag, Dont judge a guy by his display pictures and amount of twitter followers..(Put mouth and body odour into consideration!)

*Dont enter a house  without finding out if there are dogs or wild chickens in there first..

Brethren, I’m now running out of ideas and feeling really sleepy. For more NOT TO DOs please refer to the Holy Bible, The 10 Commandments are there for you.

But before I end, I would like to give honour to who it is due

Happy new year to

The Chatter Blog

How to love Igbo things

Phantom Pages

Inside Yetee’s Mind

tymeandtyde ,

A big new year kiss to all the afore mentioned (pardon my breath, I just ate pringles onion bossom :&) Thanks for keeping my first few months on blogville inspiring and for expanding my ‘readability’😀

A prosperous new year to every one else, You can anticipate much more posts, I’m here to publish!!

I hope I’ve been able to convince you , and not confuse you that fathers are better than mothers!!

Oh that’s not the topic?

Well,……

Those good ol debating days….

Please lemme stop here!!!!

ADIOS!

THE HOLY INNOCENT…

‘Could it be nine months already?

It didn’t feel that long

I still need the blanket of your womb

The man in white is trying to take me

Is it time for me to be born?

I can’t wait to see you mommy

I can’t wait for you to hold me in your arms

I can’t wait to see daddy

I know he is never around

I know he hit you when you told him about me

But I still love him too

Mommy why are you crying?

I’m coming out now I’ll make you smile

But the man in white is hurting me

He’s dragging me out

I’m loosing my strength

Mommy I love you and I can’t wait to see you

The pain is too much

Why are you not trying to help me?

I’m too weak now maybe I should sleep
——————————————

I wake up to a beaming radiance

There’s no more pain

Mommy where are you?. I can’t see you

Someone is holding me

He’s peaceful and radiates so much love

He’s taking me mommy

I’m happy

But why did you let me go?

I thought you loved me?….’
—————————————–

IN MEMORY OF ALL ABORTED BABIES.

Approximately 42 million abortions are committed each year!

And 115,000 abortions are committed each DAY!!

IT IS MURDER!!

SAY NO TO ABORTION!

Rip your clothes
Shave your heads
Pluck out your eyes
Freak out!
Scream!!
They are coming!!!
Save yourselves!!!

Darkness shall clothe the earth

Fire shall engulf the air

Water shall subdue the land

Demons

Dinosaurs

And treacherous beasts

Shall arise

And

………

Twerk on the empire state building!!!!

————————————–

So before I go ahead to nullify this useless fallacies about the world ending tomorrow 21- 12- 2012 (sorry if your buffdae is tomorrow, its gonna be one heck of a day if the world is ending!) I just want to say that the douche who prophesied this sh*t is really full of sh*t and is a huge sh*t ball for sitting down joblessly and thinking of sh*tty things to say to sh*tful people who believe that piece of shit!! There goes!!.
Anyway, I wouldn’t want to waste these last minutes so I’ll race straight to why I’m here this particularly dull evening. This is not how I imagined the world end!. I figured there would be colourful bands, gold trumpets, sparkly white angels and a big screen to show all of us while we committed all our sins…. Oh that’s for tomorrow’s show?. Ahh. Well, I’m not part of the planning committee so I wouldn’t know! But what I do know is that the world is not NOT ( rara, mba, nein, naja, net, nara) ending tomorrow!
Here is why….
Drumrolls please!

First of all (don’t go down low my friend!) Have you ever asked yourself ‘Is this why we are here?’ Just to be alive one moment and for the world to end the next?. I know someone who had a baby yesterday (ok I don’t know anyone) but definitely, someone had a child yesterday (google it! :p) do you believe the child was born so the world would end tomorrow?. Use your head! Think ahead!! (not gold circle advert o!)

The expiry date on my I.D card is 2014 you idiots!! It means there’s still going to be another year! That didnt convince you?

Okay, I haven’t become Nigeria’s first female president!! Check my twitter bio, w.p bio! I’m going to be president no doubt! Or else who’s gonna make Friday the first day of the weekend?! You see!

Banks are still advertising, companies are still making 2013 calendars. Looking for more shareholders and you reading this, Y U NO sell all your things and burn the money since the world is ending tomorrow!

If we all die on the same day. Who’s gonna bury us? Are we gonna vaporize or melt maybe?. You stupid! Don’t you pray or read the bible? (no offence intended) World Without end!!! Didnt you get the memo a couple A.Ds ago?!

I’m not outta ideas o! Just that-(yes mummy!) – I have some kitchen issues to attend to!
But you gotta believe me! If you still think three world is ending tomorrow, no p! I could suggest to you a number of mental institutions you can check into on the 22nd!.

Peace out!!!

Hehe!!

That did seem cool right?

No?

Mtttsssheew!

IDGAF!!!

I actually do oh! Leave ur comments in the box!
😀

NINE LESSONS, NO CAROL.

—————————————-
Apologies, this post has nothing to do with the recitation/readings of nine lessons and carol. Thanks. Scroll down or Google ‘nine lessons and carol’ I’m positive you’ll find what you’re looking for.
——————————————

Since the year is coming to an end and all, and it’s really pertinent to reflect on the passing year, I’ve decided to deter from the norm of writing New year resolutions which I promptly forget two weeks into the new year, and write a compilation of nine (9) quotes that relate to all the valuable lessons I’ve learned this year from the really really REALLY stupid mistakes I made through 2012. So here goes:

***

1: Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.
Thomas Edison.

2: A person who has a dream knows what he is willing to give up in order to go up.
John .C. Maxwell

3: While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior.
Henry C. Link

4: The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.
Bob Marley

5: It is never too late to be what you might have been.
George Elliot

6: Your attitude toward failure determines your altitude after failure.
John C. Maxwell

7: Everyone who got where he is has had to begin where he was.
Robert Louis Stevenson

8: It’s not personal, it’s business.
Donald Trump

9: Empty pockets never held anyone back, only empty heads and hearts can do that.
Norman Vincent Peale

Those were the words that gave me and still give me comfort and inspiration after all mistakes had been made. I hope you can learn from them too and instead of making another list of ‘To dos’, Make a list of ‘Not To Do’. Afterall John C. Meyer in his book ‘Failing Forward’ wrote
‘Mistakes become failures when we continually respond to them incorrectly’.

Thanks for reading.
Please spread the word, feel free to share this post.

Compliments of the season!.

***

Dear Mom,

Where do I start

Words are inadequate to describe you

The goodness of your heart is unfathomable

I know there were times I broke your heart

Shoved your care away

But don’t hold my teenage syndrome against me

I’m sorry for the times I didnt join you in the kitchen

I was playing Need For Speed like a spoilt brat

I’m sorry for the times I gave you the silent treatment

My recent misdemeanor has caused you a lot of pain

But somewhere, somehow you still forgave me

Dear mom,

Do you know I love you?

Nobody else loves you like I do

Okay, maybe Dad and my brothers and sisters

But I love you immeasurably

Your virtues are limitless

And you never run out of encouraging words to give

Four grandchildren and Six children

Is a great achievement

And more are still coming your way

You never get tired of taking care of others

Loving wife

Caring mother

Blessed grandmother

Good friend

And worthy sister

Dear mom,

I know I’m a little unsure about the future

But if there’s anything I know

Is that I want to be like you when I grow up.

Just like you.

I love you mommy.

Dedicated to Lady Bridget .A. Edoro (KSM)

Hospital Flowers

I survived a dreadful accident
In the car crash of the century
My shattered Hopes
Collapsed on cold cement
But in the back of the ambulance
I’d never felt so content

A high speed collision
Gave a new sense of sight to me
And now my vision can render the scene
Blurry image of wreckage and roadside debris
Happiness returned to me from a grave emergency…

I tossed and turned, in sterile apathy,
Until the violets arrived for me,
The bouquet burst and blossoms filled the room,
And the police got smaller as they grew taller,
And taught me to bloom.

A high-speed collision gave a new sense of sight to me,
And now my vision can render the scene,
A blurry image of wreckage and roadside debris,
Happiness returned to me through a grave emergency.

The curtains decayed, the daylight poured in,
I was never afraid, of the darkness again,
My burns were third degree,
But I’d been set free,
‘Cause grace had finally found its way to me

****************************
Owlcity’s Hospital Flowers
My favorite song of the year.
The lyrics go down deep and tell a story that relates totally to me!.

Status: Bored.Can’t Sleep.

Random Person: ‘Hey Mae, Do you want to go sky diving without parachutes with me?… Pleeaaseee!!’

My thoughts: ‘Oh heck no! Why would I want to go risk my life with you?! There’s no way I’m doing that!.’

My reply: ‘Oh okay…cool!’

That right there is my greatest flaw!. I cannot say ‘No’!. The bright side is me trying a lot of things and getting to have lots of friends that like me because I do things with them, but on the other hand, being the ‘Yes’ girl has brought me a lot of awkward moments, sticky situations and thrown me more than my fair share of troubles!!.

I want to learn to say ‘No!’
‘No’
‘No’
‘No’

It Could’ve Been Me…

It could have been me….

that one eyed wretch with a tumor in her head begging for alms

that woman that stayed awake all night waiting for a drunk of a husband to show up

that young girl that has been raped countless times but still woke up to sell oranges

that prostitute that slept with two men last night and none of them paid her this morning

that cancer patient who cried all night because she needs #1million but her family only has #50,000 in their account

that orphan that woke up confused because she’s left to cater for her 5 siblings without any source of income

that secretary avoiding her boss because he’s threatening if she doesn’t sleep with him

That person could’ve been me or you.

But for God’s grace…

THE TIME CAPSULE

MY TIME CAPSULE
————————-
………Ode to 2012

Time passes while we fret its passing

The memories are slipping from our grasp

Yet we hold on to things yet to come

The pictures of the days gone by

Snapshots gathered and lost in 365 days

They show proof of my troubled teenagehood

My life changed so quickly out of the blue

I wish I could erase the horrid times

But no, I wish for an everlasting glow of the past

All of it

Its radiance is futuristic

So I’m locking the moments in a time capsule

***************************

A cup of all the tears I shed

They were the outbursts of my heart

A collage of all my smiles

The ones I smiled with my eyes

A scoop from all the vomit my little nieces deposited on me

I’ve never been more honoured

The funny sound of my one year old nephew trying to pronounce my name

I love him till eternity

The sediments of spit that splashed out of our laughter

Happiest moments were not complete without my sister

The stern echo of my father’s voice

‘Your life is in your hands’

A printed copy of my transcript from Madonna University

I finally broke out of limitations

A handful of sand from my sojourn of seeking perfection

I found something better…. Jesus

****************************

These memories will loom above me

And the emotions will come flooding back when I need them

Though I still fear..

Will time consume memories like a raging fire?

That is uncertain

But what is more uncertain than the future?

Will I remain a cage of doubt and unanswered questions?

Alas I must return to life

And continue my story

So that new memories are made

And I’ll keep more time capsules…

——————————————

The daily prompt for yesterday was Time capsule. A post about the memories of 2012 you’d like to store in a time capsule. I’m obviously 24hours late with the prompt but wareva! I just love the topic. Maybe you should write yours. Its a chance to reflect on the ending year.

I can’t sleep.

I feel like writing.
—————————

HER:

I love him so much. I wonder if he knows. Did I offend him?. He has not looked at me since I got back!. Watching TV without a glance at me!. Why won’t he look at me?!. He says he’s not hungry, ‘The beer would do’. Maybe he has a sidechick! I wonder what they do together. Oh God!. He doesn’t care about merely anymore!. Everything was fine this morning!.Is this about his call I missed? I texted him back!. He just keeps staring at the TV. What kind of husband will he be if he detests me now just for coming home late?. Does he still love me?. Maybe he wants to break up with me! And he’s giving me the silent treatment first!. I thought we were going to get married, have four kids, build houses together, adopt 2 orphans from Somalia, own companies together, spend our retirement in The Dominican Republic, die the same day, and be buried beside each other!. Why does he hate me so much? Am I not good enough for him?. If he wants to break up with me, he should do it now!. He’ll crush my world!. What can I do if he doesn’t love me anymore?….

HIM:
Man U- Chelsea
3-0
Go reds!!!

——————————————

Guys get pretty annoying when they are watching soccer sha!

How to love Igbo things (or what you will).

Maka ihu n'anya ihe Igbo n'ile na ihe ndi ozo di iche n'iche.

Inside Yetee's Mind

Welcome to my Beautiful Mind

Matt on Not-WordPress

Stuff and things.